Sylvie Hill

Down In A Blaze of Sorry

She likes it when her feet are clean
and squishes her heels into his belly
feels his hairy chest on her arches
massages her toes into his nipples
jokes of walking on his torso
he’s strong:
he can handle it.

She likes it because his arms are lean
then flexes and the bulges appear
how he doesn’t show off and lays them dormant
until there’s a box to lift
a table to move
a jar to open:
he can handle it.

She likes it when he lets her lead
hands behind his chest, waiting
watching her as she works his body
smiling as he knows she does it
out of love and need
he’s willing to give:
he can handle it.

She liked it when with arms outstretched
he whimpered for a hug as she left.
“Oh, you gorgeous baby!” she said
hopping in between covers and bed
“I’d fuck you silly
If I wouldn’t be late for work”
He grabs her
“I’ll drive you in”:
he can handle it.

She likes it often and she likes it strong
and she likes him weak if he can’t be on
and she likes him passionate
and she likes him mad
and she likes when he says he’s sad.
But his strength runs out
and he cried a lot
and his passion was mostly stress relief
and Heineken
and his madness was childish
and his muscles won’t support her writing
(even if they brought her table)
and his sadness never translated into the
big house on the hill he said he’d build them.

She couldn’t handle it.
He couldn’t handle it.
He cried “I failed you! I’m sorry”
so many times
as they embraced their way down
in a blaze of glory
She tired of the tears and all his
sorries…

and gory goodbyes
it was getting embarrassing.

She heard from a girl that he’s doing it again
he’s with his best friend’s girl cuz they split up again
he does that: goes with the chicks who are unavailable
and cry and are emotional talking of other men.
He’s happy to help them
doesn’t matter if they don’t fuck him
He’s happy to be useful like a fake boyfriend
or a husband.

He heard from someone that she’s doing it again
she mused a man TransAtlantic cuz a second time, again
she does that: goes for dudes who are unavailable
and are mean, raging and have issues with women.
She’s happy to save them
mistakes love as befriending them
She’s happy to be in a fake bond like a girlfriend
or a confidante.

She likes it when she sees this clear
No guilt, no confusion, no anger, no fear
and wishes the best for the sad man for sure
thankful for his muscles, his message
his gorgeous hands and his beard

she’s been sexually frustrated before
it’s been three years:
she’ll handle it.

© Sylvie Hill 2014

dixon / “Blaze” / spray paint and synthetic enamel on paper / 2009