Sylvie Hill

But I Will Have My Joy!

It was already a too-long conversation.
Light-headed, I had not eaten.
He’s used to it: gets adrenaline rushing.
On a shit diet, drama and Captain Crunch.

I was happy for the conversation
To coach and help him with his investment.
After all, I had been there so I have experience.
I admire a man who seeks this woman’s opinion.

But in our exchange when he asked about me
I had a long list; he was ready to listen.
But in speaking my woes it’s like he drifted…
I swiftly cut myself off and ended it.

He quickly kept me going: “you’ve got my attention!”
My god, what frustration to blag on, intense like this!
What feel this has: a therapy session?
Just like when we dated, I remember now why it ended.

I get off on “You talk too much” and “Get a grip.”
On truncated synthesis of my blathering analysis.
I get off on changing the subject
to something more intriguing that dramatizations.

For I have come a long way and the longest:
was when he said “approach with caution”
the decision to leave Ottawa and live in Montreal:
“It’s not something you want to rush into,” he said.

Rush?! I’ve been dreaming of leaving since twenty six!
I’ve stood with pints in hand at 1 am on Elgin!
I’ve laughed at surroundings: Pizza Pizza and the dry cleaner?!
This town is where you stop off for hot dogs on le way to cottage!

If you know me you know I’ve longed for London!
Been inspired by vibrant men making it in United Kingdom!
Found more personality in a 13 year-old Belfast kid!
And relished tales from an old boss who lived in Belgium!

These are the stories that ignite me less than safety!
Your stress, and meeting deadlines does NOT impress me!
Beyond your taxing day job where is your creativity?
What do you leave behind with your talents and feeling?
It was already a day gone past.
The next day thinking of that draining conversation again.
He was kind offering an ear and friendship
But beware of too much talk and analysis.

And while he said: “Take time to think about it.”
I reassured him it’s been months, I have, and asked for it.
Then next he said: “because you’ll still have your problems”
And that loneliness can follow like darkness.

Do you not think I know this?!
She who went from London to Paris?
A moment with my suitcase in the flat on Rue de Turenne:
“Wow here I am, in Paris, clothes and my frustrations.”

BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE in a new city I will live in, I said!
I WILL HAVE MY JOY, and the pounding of my heart in my chest!
Is it not enough to say “Oh, hello Soul, I feel you then!”
Accompanied by your own smile, fulfillment and expectation?

Anonymity in a City can breed depression
But it is freeing if it allows you to create your true self.
Yet bring me to a City where they respect academics.
…and I will emerge the Me I am: a professor in Literature yet!

Oh yes, do bring me to a City where they love the arts.
And I will resonate my poetry books, vibe and my heart.
Bring me to a City where my professionalism wows.
Step aside: I’ve fierce ambitious, work-ethic is intact, when do I start?

I have long talked about this too long.
To know breaking off from here is not wrong.
I seek immigrants from other countries to our own
with stories and foreignness ready to forge.

I am interested in people with stories and lore
Like a Montreal-based Brit mate, French husband contemplating a job in Singapore.
I am interested in people with traits from afar
Who visit our Canadian cities that they feel are interesting and nurture.

Let me bask in the glow of the appreciative newcomers
To a City in which they need to make a living.
Let me radiate all my talents in a place that sees them.
Let me never be alone in the Joy I will feel to express that.

Let me feel my depression – and watch me spark to action.
“Just step outside” I once said, ending up in Marché Jean Talon.
Let me work hard for Canada in a multi-cultural City
And play well and romantic after-hours at cafés with students, and:

… Cyclists on bike paths
… Families picnicking in parks
… old ladies at the concerts

and my character developing to what I find interesting
to share with Ottawa friends who I know will come visit me…

Sylvie Hill 2017